Is he “the loser”, or is he just a dad?
By Teri Stoddard
January 21, 2005
I was watching the children playing at a 4-year-old child’s birthday party last Saturday when I overheard a young mother talking. “We call him “the loser”, she said, “but not around Bobby”. I cringed. I knew very well that whoever Bobby was, and however old he was, he was more than likely fully aware that the significant adults in his life disrespected this man, and that the man was probably his father. When I hear things like this I worry about the kids growing up today. With 40% of all children of separated parents having no contact with their fathers after two years, what kind of role models are we offering our children?
At one time that young mother could have been me. I have said many hurtful things about my ex-husbands. And I felt completely justified in doing so. All three of the men had let me down in one way or another, and it made sense to place blame when I spoke about my divorces. They weren’t my fault, after all. They were always my ex-husbands’ fault. That’s what I liked to say at least. That’s what I needed to believe.
Most of my adult life I have been a single mother. I’ve been married three times and have four children. I have one child from each marriage and one child born between my second and third marriages. I have seen a phenomenon within my own family that I have now learned is common, tragic, and often avoidable. I’m talking about the phenomenon of the fatherless child.
Three of my children were in that 40%, that group of kids who never see their dads. Three of my four children have fathers who it seemed, simply walked out of their lives. Two were among the children who have absolutely no contact with their fathers within a short time after the divorce. And one father disappeared after several years. The thing to note is that of the four men, it was the three who I had divorced who went missing.
The father of my child who was born when I was single is a great dad. He has always been a significant part of her life; we have a comfortable and relaxed relationship and he loves and cares for his daughter on whatever terms he feels comfortable with. I have never restricted his time with her and we have always negotiated any monetary arrangements.
But what happened to the men I had married and divorced? Why were they the ones who walked? It wasn’t like they were never in their children’s lives. These were the men who at one time attended childbirth classes with me, who birthed our children with me. These were the fathers who walked the floor, changed diapers, protected, taught and played with our babies. These were the men who helped our toddlers learn to walk, who taught our kids how to ride their bikes, who went to back-to-school night and elementary school plays. What exactly had happened?
We had both wanted our child. We had birthed our child together and co-parented successfully while we were married. Something happened after the divorce. Everything changed. The relationships between my children and their fathers disintegrated. I watched as my children grew up, physically and emotionally, without the benefit of the love and influence of their fathers.
Funny thing, well actually, it’s not funny at all. I did not see the situation as clearly then as I do now. All I knew was that I had divorced men who had deserved it, and now they were proving how bad they were by abandoning their children.
My only choice, as I saw it then, was to be the best single mom I could be; to fill in the gaps, to play both parental roles, to make sure as best I could that my kids felt loved and wanted. And I was good at it. I have always had close relationships with my children. I am truly blessed. I have been able to raise four people who have confidence and high moral character. I am very proud. And I feel very lucky. I chose a career in childcare and foster care so I would have the most time with my children. Working from home allowed me to be a self-employed productive member of society, and it allowed me to be a stay-at-home mom. I had the best of both worlds.
But while I was enjoying the close relationships with my children I also knew what they were missing. I resented my ex-husbands for the pain and suffering my children were experiencing, both externally and invisibly internally. Those kids deserved another cheerleader on their team. I was angry with my ex-husbands for purposely hurting our kids. So if the names of my ex-husbands came up in conversation I did not hesitate to use a term like loser.
I have since learned what it is like for a man to go through a divorce or child custody case. I had no idea how awful it is for a man, especially if the government, and now private child support collection agencies are involved. A newly separated father can think that he is doing everything by the book; he can visit with his children regularly, or as often as his soon-to-be ex-wife will allow, he might think he should wait until the court hearing to start paying child support since no amount has been set, especially if the mother of his children has applied for welfare. He can go into court expecting to learn that his obligations will start that very day, only to be completely overwhelmed by what happens next.
He discovers that not only does he have a monthly child support order, but also the courts have pre-dated it back to the day his wife, or a child support collection agency, first filed the court documents. And, since it is now called arrearages, there are fines and fees being applied daily. Often, there is simply no way feasible for the father to ever get caught up. Add to this stress, the fact that his wages are more than likely now garnished. Fathers who would willingly set up bank accounts for the automatic transfer of monies from them to the mothers of their children are instead embarrassed and humiliated by the involvement of their employer in such private matters. And once the courts consider you in “arrearages” the child support collection agencies often set the garnishment at 50%.
One thing I have a problem with is that these agencies know full well that as soon as the non-custodial parent files new documents with the courts the payments will be dropped to the standard percentage for current child support cases, with a little extra added each month to pay off the “arrearages”. So why do they do this? Why do they make him have to file more paperwork, take a day off from work to attend court again, pay more court fees, and maybe pay for an attorney? Shouldn’t that time and money be spent on the children? It almost seems sadistic the way they knock the guy down, beat him up, and then make him beg for mercy just to be treated fairly. What exactly did these men do that was so bad? Isn’t the mother of the children going through the same divorce?
Right before I overheard that comment about the loser in the family, I had been chatting with the birthday child’s grandmother. She was talking about her family. As she told me about her brothers and sisters, and other various people, one story grabbed my attention. A male relative had gone through a painful divorce. Not only had his ex-wife gotten sole custody of their daughter, she moved her far away, and then proceeded to turn the child against him. “Parental alienation syndrome.” I said, “That’s what it’s called.” As she described the heartbreak this man was experiencing all I could do was nod my head in understanding and think about the dozens of men I have met over the last 2 years who share his pain.
It isn’t just the financial part of it that’s difficult for fathers. Much more serious than the unfair child support regulations is the bias that permeates the entire family court system, from the mediators to the judges. A father starts out with an overwhelming disadvantage, just because he’s male. If there is any conflict between the parents, or if there is even the hint of conflict, the woman is pretty much assured to get sole physical custody of the children. Child custody reports show that mothers receive sole custody approximately 70% of the time. Joint physical custody is ordered in approximately 20% of the cases and fathers receive sole physical custody in approximately 10% of the cases.
Often fathers are told they are getting joint custody, but it is almost always joint legal custody not joint physical custody. Instead of having significant quality time to truly be a parent they instead simply have the right to sign medical, school, or other legal forms, and have “visitation” time with their children. Unfortunately, sometimes the stress of the situation and the unbearable financial burden are just too much to bear, especially if the mother has started or succeeded in turning the child against the father. Sometimes the father’s confidence and self-esteem are damaged, and if his kids have been turned against him he may be experiencing a “living bereavement”. Some men just can’t bear it any longer. Some just walk away.
The thing is it doesn’t have to be this way. Today’s separating parents have wonderful options that were unheard of twenty-five years ago. There are free fill-in-the-blank forms online for creating parenting plans. Any two consenting adults can talk through and work out as many or as few details as they want and write a parenting plan. I personally recommend as many important details as possible, and as few unimportant details as possible. They can write it all down and sign it, with or without a notary public present, and they can file or not file it with their county court system. They can share the parenting time in any way that satisfies them both. They can remain flexible, cooperative and cordial. If monies are to change hands, they can set up two bank accounts and arrange for automatic transfers from one to the other. They can work together. They can put aside their differences and they can honor their obligation to their children to be the best parents they can be.
I was actually surprised to find myself discussing the issues fathers go through when divorcing. I deal with it every day while I do my advocating and activism for family rights, but I was at a child’s birthday party. This was the last place I expected the subject to come up. “Oh Teri, I want to talk to you about two of my friends”, another guest said. My surprise turned to serious contemplation. In this small gathering of individuals I was directly affected by four custody cases. We read all the time that half of all marriages end in divorce, but until it’s offered to us on a plate like that, we just don’t see it.
“Two of my friends can’t see their children”, she said, “The moms have moved their kids away and my friends are really upset about it”. She proceeded to tell me about her two male friends, one with a 4 year old and the other with a 7 year old. In both cases the parents had never married, and in both cases the men had been actively involved fathers as for long as they were able. The 7 year old had been moved almost 500 miles away by her mother when she was about 3 years old. They’ve never been back to the area. The only way he will ever see his child is if he pays for the travel expenses, but he cannot afford to do so. She told me that he could only talk to her on the phone. When I asked how often that is she replied, “Every time he sees me and I let him use my cell phone. Every weekend.” The mother of the 4 year old moved him away when he was about a year and a half old. In that case the mother changed all of her contact information and the father doesn’t even know what city or state they are in. “He’s devastated”, she said.
I know that there are quite a few reasons that 40% of our children are fatherless. I know that every case is different, and that either gender can be at fault. What is crystal clear to me is that we must do something about it. We cannot expect to encourage a generation of boys into being loving, responsible, committed fathers when we do not provide that as their role model. We need to bring the fathers back into our children’s lives. And we must make sure that the children of the future are guaranteed to have fully functioning, natural, loving, dedicated relationships with both of their parents, equally, in and out of marriage.
In September 2004, over 40 states had class action lawsuits filed against them on behalf of all non-custodial parents. These parents are asking for equality, for the same opportunities to raise and nurture their children as the custodial parents. They are asking to make joint physical custody the presumed preference, and that in the case of lack of cooperation on one parent’s part that they either split the time equally, or that the non-cooperative parent be the one to risk losing parenting time. At the time of this writing they are still going through the court proceedings. For more information click here: http://www.indianacrc.org/classaction.html.
In November 2004, Fathers & Families, a Massachusetts not-for-profit organization, spearheaded an overwhelmingly successful election campaign for joint physical custody. In an unprecedented landslide, approximately 85% cast their ballot in favor of the non-binding ballot question. For more information click here: http://www.fathersandfamilies.org.
Also in November 2004, three unlikely allies, a father in Great Britain, a father in Germany, and a grandmother in the United States started an international family rights organization called Amnesty-4-Families. All three of them had seen the same types of injustice; all three of them had seen children suffering at the hands of outdated family court policies, each in their respective countries. Together they are helping to network everyone who is fighting for the rights of children to know and be loved by their parents. For more information click here: http://www.amnesty-4-families.org.
